I think this is a very heavy responsibility, on us, on our children, to enter an era like this. The entire globe is so so overwhelmed...beyond overwhelmed! Oh! never in my few years on earth did I imagine this will be unfolding right before me...not until Obama came to the fore and revealed himself big, esp in 2007. But for me, it's bigger than Obama.
This is big because, I am seated here, with my almost 6-month old black son, who happens to be an American. In a country where black men are more likely to be found in prison than in college (this aint no cliche). Where college enrolment for black men stands below black women. Where black men have been disenfranchised and reduced to single or absent fathers because of reasons more than their own making. Where black men are not so much celebrated but thought of as engaged in drugs, crime and low intelligence. This is big for me.
That my son's era is going to be rewritten. That my son will not just be talking about slavery, civil rights struggles, low education but having been born in the year of the first black president in the United States, a country known for racism and ill treatment of its black people. Yes, Obama is bigger than just being a black man; he's smart, a people person, a community organizer, a public figure, a professor, a leader, a father and a husband. But Obama is also our black president. Obama is Biko (my son)'s black president, who's celebrated the world over. The entire world yearns for Obama.
How can one man, born of humble beginnings, grew up on welfare, traversed the Oceans to Indonesia, Hawaii, whose father came from a lil' unheard of town (until Obama's rise to prominence) in Kenya! How can this man inspire the entire world? Not just the United States but the entire world: Kogelo, London, Dharka, Kampala, Berlin, Tokyo, Obama (Japan), you name it. We have a global leader....finally the United States can say! YES WE CAN!!
I didn't realize it would be so emotional. Granted, I have my misgivings about Obama, particularly his blatant disregard of the suffering of the Palestinian people. But I am so overwhelmed and overjoyed. It is such a big day for all of us..for all black people, for all Africans..for all minoritized people..Who have been trod on, deemed incapable of producing world wonder. Who's inventions and creations have always been demeaned. Oh! Obama...YES WE DID.
Thank you for making my baby, my family, my engagement with African Americans such a privilege and something to reckon with. Thank you for giving Biko a new chapter in his American history book. You so overwhelmed me..and overwhelm us. This is too much!! We have come of age...indeed of aged now..and our beauty as a black people has finally shone through the entire world...that sees you as a man of inspiration, strength and optimism..not just a black man...Yet, we are grateful that you are a black man..Proud to be black and in America
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
NeW BEGINNINGS NEW ERA
As I write, it is is 409:51 1:10.4 microseconds left and there will no longer be Bush..but a Bush Legacy. Maama Sarah is about settled into one of the lavish lawns in Wash/DC either at 1600 P.A or somewhere we don't know. All we know, she's all smiles, and perhaps not yet awake from a true dream. I wonder if she's brought with her those mats from my mother to replace the "Mzungu" carpets/rugs in the White--to Black House. Oh! life we hope will never be the same. For some reason, I feel at a loss. At least Bush we knew didn't care about black people or Muslims or Arabs or well, he didn't care about anyone except his inner circle. Bush even declared the US economy not that bad, in January 2009. C'mon! this is Jan 2009: Madoff has already ripped off plenty, Lehman Brothers is gone, Wachovia is swallowed up by Well Fargo, Morgan Stanley and Citi has merged. Citi has laid off plenty..and many funders are cutting their nonprofit donations. Even the Partnership for Higher Education in Africa is closing one year earlier. Every time I step into a govt office for public services, there are plenty applying; for food stamps, medicaid, jobs, unemployment insurance et al..Where is Bush in all of this. Well, he just bought a new house in TX, so clearly, he's not squeezed up. and I am sure none of the people he interacts with. As one Catholic buddy told me, "I would rather lose my retirement and investment savings than see the abortion bill signed into law" or the election of Obama. Well, count your luck stars, coz you aint too many.
But this is not about Bush or Dubya as we love to say. This is about Biko and I..and that Biko is entering an era when his history will be written with a Black President of the United States. Just like the kids who grew up past the civil rights struggle, so will the Biko have a new era in their life as Black children in America. and Yes, Buster Rhymes is right to come in here "I Know I can......Be what I wanna Be.." My baby will be anything and everything. All we need is health, wellness, love and support.
Biko and I started a new era recently, where maama leaves the house everyday except Friday and goes out to look for work. It's been five beautiful months of staying at home with my son. I've enjoyed it so very much. I've enjoyed watching my son grown. I have enjoyed being there when he wakes up, when he takes a nap, when he cries, when he poops, when he goes to sleep, when he plays, and smiles. Oh! I love those smiles in the morning, in the night, in the evening. And the squeaks. I am so blessed to have this. My son being with his mother for five months.
But this has all changed. It's a new year and new era. Biko is now going to day care, everyday. It's been hard the first days, with lots of tears and sobbing. I just couldn't stand being away from my baby. Leaving him with a stranger. The first day he did not cry but thereafter, he started crying. I sobbed the first day. The second day I thought he was ok so I thought I would not sob, but then I broke down when he broke down and then I was told he cried the whole day. oh! my baby. then he cried other consecutive days when I handed him over. However, this week, he is not crying anymore, and that makes me sad too. My baby is already independent. He is learning so very fast! I am told, I should be proud of myself that I am a good mother. I did the right thing, and I have raised him well. For some reason though, he cries whenever his father has him. For me, I am worried he is too independent. How can he not cry? doesn't he love me anymore?I just fear he will forget about me.
You know, I am not American --Granted my baby is America-but me who is raising him aint. Americans loving independence so very much and they try to inculcate it even in baby-babies. He gets excellent reviews from the baby sitter, that he plays a lot, laughs and they love him. he is a good boy. Biko means god in Hindu (with a "U"--Bikou), in Igbo, and in one language in the Congo. can you imagine! I did not know that but I am glad for all the blessings that brings.
Life will never be the same, but we hope it does change in our favor again. We hope i can still achieve that long sought goal of being a stay-at-home mother. I would very much love to work from home or work at my scheduled hours. I am working on it. For now, we'll go with the flow and make lemonade out of lemons. My wish is to continue keeping a positive outlook and a smiling face. So, I am working on that. I don't want my face to be creased up.
Anyway, as I finish off, it's Friday morning and my baby and I both stayed at home. We had more hours of sleep; he's actually still sleeping but I had to wake up and begin my job search or should I say, job making. Everyday brings new tidings and I want more health for me and for Biko
Monday, January 12, 2009
It's nasty!! why does America Despise Breastfeeding?
Ok, I am offended...This kid told me, "It's nasty"....She is four years old and she believes breastfeeding is nasty...can you imagine! I am very offended...
Lately, I have had to carry my breast pump whenever I am going to spend a day away from home and from my baby. I have been pumping in classrooms or other empty rooms in offices. The other day, a group of ladies told me that they had to quit breastfeeding because they had to get their bodies back. Another one told me she stopped because her baby would not latch on, "too much trouble." Even before I had a baby, two women from Uganda (now in the US) told me breastfeeding was not for them. Then there's the other excuse of the baby was not getting enough out of breast milk and preferred formula. Usually, I answer all these questions with, well you have to keep doing it until s/he learns, or pump so that you can increase the breast supply or it's about sacrificing for the baby or my time will come when I'll get back in shape. The another woman, of great age cringed because I was pumping from an empty room and told me not to use it again. I should go to the toilet because, "this is an act that requires privacy. I mean c'mon! Do you prepare your meals from the toilet? OR do eat your cheese burgers from the toilet?
But this latest encounter with a 4 year old, has just made me much more mad. This morning before we left the house, I decided to feed my baby a little bit before my roommate started the car (we catch a ride with her). I know Americans hate breastfeeding in public but since I was in the comfort of my home and there were kids strangers, I decided to just pull out my breast and give my baby..My roommates kids were standing by: a 7 year old boy, 4 year old girl and a 2 year old boy. Then the 2-year old, and a girl said, "oh! It's nasty!". I asked, her what was nasty and she said, "that, what you are doing." Then they all walked away. I was very offended and sad. How could kids say breastfeeding is nasty? Didn't their mother breastfeed them? What are they offended by? I still can't stand this (it happened at 6:15am and now it's 9:44a and I am still bothered).
I am much more bothered because these are kids, and wondering why kids should be disgusted by breastfeeding. I am bothered because these are black kids and all those people I have told you about who told me breastfeeding is bad are black. I wonder if they did not take prenatal and parenting classes! I am assuming they would know the value of breastfeeding. I am also assuming that they would know that black people are now the lowest group of mothers who breastfeed their new born babies. During the breastfeeding class my partner and I took, we were told that black women have been the slowest to return to breastfeeding. Apparently, there was a time in America when breastfeeding was de-campaign, as formula was "the thing to do and give your babies". Black people were the last to give up breastfeeding and are now the last to return to it when other races have already resumed. Moreover, black people indulge in all sorts of excuses, my figure, my weight, my breasts, it's my body, not for me, hard for me. et al. How is this possible?
Knowing me, I proceeded by giving these kids some of my lectures. Breast milk is good for you, it is not nasty. Breastfeeding makes kids smarter. How can they? have they never seen a baby breastfeeding? Well, I will continue this conversation tonight and give their mother some lecture. I can't stand this. Why does America hate breastfeeding so much! Yet breasts are used to advertise everything, and make money for everything. Oh! this stupid world of sexualizing a natural act or a baby's eating really eats me up. Americans have this "holier than thou crap" yet publicly flaunt sex, the way they dress, the language used and the things they do. For instance, dozens of magazines are dedicated to profiling the sexiest man or woman alive. Even the deadliest Hollywood movie has a sex scene. Viagra is sold all over to indulge the senile and invalids. Then how is it possible that babies cannot feed in public when women can literally wear underwear in public (because it's summer time).
In America, a human body is something to be feared and abused, especially when it comes to women. We watch movies where women strip naked or show us their breasts. Yet men's testicles are hidden, even in "girls gone wild TV commercials." In Europe people can lie on the beach naked without sexualizing it. And men don't need boxers to enter the water Oh! in America, you def have to wear boxers and wearing Brazilian bikinis will def turn heads.
One thing for sure, Americans have to do better by burring their misguided and pretentious morality. Oh! did I tell you in GA you cannot buy beer on Sunday! Even night life downtown Atlanta has nearly collapsed. Apparently the white Christians rule GA and the Black baptists run Atlanta. So, that combo is why Palestine is in shambles and Israel riding it's dragons non-impeded. Surely, we need to help our children learn. And I would not like to see another black person allowing their children to be more miseducated and profile babies because of their mode of feeding.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
New Year, New Beginnings, Ensh'allah!
It is twenty-two hours 48 minutes and it's that time around when people welcome the new year and also make new resolutions. Well, I don't feel like there are any resolutions to make. I plan on making wishes. not just one, but WISHES. This year has been the bitter sweat one. I had my first baby..my baby boy, Biko. The love of my life. He is now five months old and growing faster than I imagined. He laughs, plays, talks, reads. And now, he's picking up this habit my mother thought I would give up after I have a baby --the love for the computer (my mother said I am always on the computer, "it's like your baby")..Yes, Maama, Biko is now a computer wiz and he too pushes the keys to view a web photo album. Plus he loves the phone, because he sees me on the phone very often. Considering that I am a stay-at-home maama and always calling my mother in Uganda to update her on Biko, he has picked up that love (I am not a phone person tho'). Good for him, he has two phones - one from his paternal grandma and another from Santa.
Secondly, this ending year was good to me because I spent the first part of the year at home, with my dearest mother, my sisters, nieces, nephews and longtime friends. It was lovely..I was in Uganda and I was a happy girl. I had renewed energy. Even though Uganda was experiencing a fuel crisis following post-election violence in Kenya, people were happy. I was not indoors. My friends from college slaughter a whole goat, so I went to partake and just make merry..Two other friends (one who has a law firm and another into biz/investment banking) took my friend (from NYC) and I all around town one night to have fun...Well, I didn't really drink coz I was pregnant but i was ecstatic.
However, this year has also been really challenging and bitter in many ways, especially on the personal level. Relationships have been so bitter and painful, particularly with close relatives. Many twists and turns and life didn't really give me what I wanted from it. They say you get out what you put in, but I feel I put in better than I am getting out of life. Well, I think I deserve a little quarrel with the world, now that the year is ending.
This year has also been challenging because I have not had an income for the entire year. I quit my job in NYC at the end of 2007 to return to my home country. Turns out I was expecting and the father was in Amerika..turned out I didn't settle in Uganda (long sorry story), turns out I settled back in Amerika on my own (another long story). So, I have not earned financially and used up my savings. Yet, I survived a pregnancy, gave birth to a healthy 8lbs 9oz baby boy, found healthy food, exercised and still have a beautiful home for me and my boy. It's been the love of friends --who never never give up on me..and these are people I really call friends. It's been the kindness of strangers, who pick you up when the world seems to toss you too deep down, and the government (believe you me), that remembered that I paid my taxes when I worked, and now it's payback time. This experience has also told me a lot, it has rejuvenated my inner strength, my resilience, my love for networking, my meekness and my scavenger personality. I am street smart, babe. I know where to go for what to whom. I've increased my world (and "I am with Child").
So, as I said, I am not making resolutions, I am making wishes.
1) To leave the old..and all old -relationships, places, thoughts, ways, and ideas. I want to move into a new skin and become tougher. I want to shed less and do more. I want to care for only that which matters and that which is right to me. I want more discipline, achievement and excellence.
2) To be thankful and more thankful. Thankful for the food, the friends, the challenges, the opportunities, the gifts, the thoughtful people, the life, my baby boy, my education and my experiences. I want to thank more and less remorse. I want my songs to be all thankful. Granted, I love Celine Deon (Call the Man, My heart will go on) and I love Toni Braxton (love should have brought you home last night, unbreak my heart, there is no me without you) but these are going to be replaced by I surrender, I am Alive, I believe I can Fly and YES I CAN!! because misery loves a home and misery should not find a home in me next year.
3) To believe that life is a journey and the mighty win. I will take my resilience, patience, creativity, social networking, honesty, good heart and all those virtues those who know me love me for. I will concentrate on these and win. I seek to win in every way. I don't want remorse. I have a lovely boy who is always smiling even when my heart and face want to say opposite. And he turns my face ablaze..(Perhaps I should take a break now and cry before the year starts). which brings me to the fourth wish
4) To cry less and less and less. Granted all of us (ok, maybe men don't cry..but I know some who cry)..I love crying because it rejuvenates me. But I will do more to myself and not even in my lil' love's face. My wish is to turn a new face, phase, leaf and glow.
5) To manage life as a single parent. Of course nobody comes into this world with this wish. Esp. if you are like me who's always tried to patiently get into this stage the right way..But hey, don't they say, S**t happens! I want to remember that I have a mother who loves me and loves my son equally. I have friends looking out for me and Biko and we have life and hope. We can do it. See, Obama was raised by a single mother, and look how he turned out. There's hope for all of us. Biko will just get the virtues of how to be a man. There's Boys Club and plenty of outstanding examples out there. Did I already mention Obama? Ok I did.
6) To become gainfully employed again. If I can be self-employed. Oh! that would be fantastic!! You know, I've always wanted to be self-employed, as a researcher or travel writer or mentor or project developer. So, I want that to happen. And I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mum. So you see, I didn't fully lose out on that unemployment outside the home. It gave me a chance to spend 24/7 with my son as my full-time profession. I've loved every bit of it..But I tell you, there are times I wanted to call "those Baby borrowers" (did you see that on TV)..coz my baby is so easy to sit...I cannot even take these words out of my mouth, that.."sometimes I need a "short" break from Biko."...but I am not even strong enough to do it..
7) this is for Biko...baby I love you too much and I'll breast feed you for as long as you want..but I gatta get back into my "girl shape". the athlete in me is hankering to come back. Tis been almost a year since I engaged in what I call real exercise, i.e., weight lifting, running, aerobics, spin. et al. Granted I ran the marathon in December last year when I was pregnant and I walked the entire pregnancy and exercised -kegels, stretches, mental relaxation, eeeh eeh! but I miss my running..and I need to get me a jogging stroller. Plus I need to find you a father..we need to get out more often and I need to get my shape back so we can "paint the town".
8) To write more and think more and reflect more and speak less and express less, when unnecessary. I will try and avoid any negative forces entering my head and try to avoid negativity around me. I'll keep positive for others and for me.
10) (did you notice I skipped (9)? Well, I'll come back to it if I think of it..But I need to say this. To leave Atlanta, goodness! and return to "The City" or really what I want, to leave the country. Go work outside this country and do real stuff.. To start a new life. I want to save save save..not just the rainforest, the world, the Sudanese, the Congolese, the Northern Ugandans, the PanAfrican movement, the dying African intellectuals but first myself and my finances. I need to save that so much for the future of us, me and my son.
As I finish, it's twenty-seven minutes to the New Year
So, happy New Year 2009!!
Secondly, this ending year was good to me because I spent the first part of the year at home, with my dearest mother, my sisters, nieces, nephews and longtime friends. It was lovely..I was in Uganda and I was a happy girl. I had renewed energy. Even though Uganda was experiencing a fuel crisis following post-election violence in Kenya, people were happy. I was not indoors. My friends from college slaughter a whole goat, so I went to partake and just make merry..Two other friends (one who has a law firm and another into biz/investment banking) took my friend (from NYC) and I all around town one night to have fun...Well, I didn't really drink coz I was pregnant but i was ecstatic.
However, this year has also been really challenging and bitter in many ways, especially on the personal level. Relationships have been so bitter and painful, particularly with close relatives. Many twists and turns and life didn't really give me what I wanted from it. They say you get out what you put in, but I feel I put in better than I am getting out of life. Well, I think I deserve a little quarrel with the world, now that the year is ending.
This year has also been challenging because I have not had an income for the entire year. I quit my job in NYC at the end of 2007 to return to my home country. Turns out I was expecting and the father was in Amerika..turned out I didn't settle in Uganda (long sorry story), turns out I settled back in Amerika on my own (another long story). So, I have not earned financially and used up my savings. Yet, I survived a pregnancy, gave birth to a healthy 8lbs 9oz baby boy, found healthy food, exercised and still have a beautiful home for me and my boy. It's been the love of friends --who never never give up on me..and these are people I really call friends. It's been the kindness of strangers, who pick you up when the world seems to toss you too deep down, and the government (believe you me), that remembered that I paid my taxes when I worked, and now it's payback time. This experience has also told me a lot, it has rejuvenated my inner strength, my resilience, my love for networking, my meekness and my scavenger personality. I am street smart, babe. I know where to go for what to whom. I've increased my world (and "I am with Child").
So, as I said, I am not making resolutions, I am making wishes.
1) To leave the old..and all old -relationships, places, thoughts, ways, and ideas. I want to move into a new skin and become tougher. I want to shed less and do more. I want to care for only that which matters and that which is right to me. I want more discipline, achievement and excellence.
2) To be thankful and more thankful. Thankful for the food, the friends, the challenges, the opportunities, the gifts, the thoughtful people, the life, my baby boy, my education and my experiences. I want to thank more and less remorse. I want my songs to be all thankful. Granted, I love Celine Deon (Call the Man, My heart will go on) and I love Toni Braxton (love should have brought you home last night, unbreak my heart, there is no me without you) but these are going to be replaced by I surrender, I am Alive, I believe I can Fly and YES I CAN!! because misery loves a home and misery should not find a home in me next year.
3) To believe that life is a journey and the mighty win. I will take my resilience, patience, creativity, social networking, honesty, good heart and all those virtues those who know me love me for. I will concentrate on these and win. I seek to win in every way. I don't want remorse. I have a lovely boy who is always smiling even when my heart and face want to say opposite. And he turns my face ablaze..(Perhaps I should take a break now and cry before the year starts). which brings me to the fourth wish
4) To cry less and less and less. Granted all of us (ok, maybe men don't cry..but I know some who cry)..I love crying because it rejuvenates me. But I will do more to myself and not even in my lil' love's face. My wish is to turn a new face, phase, leaf and glow.
5) To manage life as a single parent. Of course nobody comes into this world with this wish. Esp. if you are like me who's always tried to patiently get into this stage the right way..But hey, don't they say, S**t happens! I want to remember that I have a mother who loves me and loves my son equally. I have friends looking out for me and Biko and we have life and hope. We can do it. See, Obama was raised by a single mother, and look how he turned out. There's hope for all of us. Biko will just get the virtues of how to be a man. There's Boys Club and plenty of outstanding examples out there. Did I already mention Obama? Ok I did.
6) To become gainfully employed again. If I can be self-employed. Oh! that would be fantastic!! You know, I've always wanted to be self-employed, as a researcher or travel writer or mentor or project developer. So, I want that to happen. And I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mum. So you see, I didn't fully lose out on that unemployment outside the home. It gave me a chance to spend 24/7 with my son as my full-time profession. I've loved every bit of it..But I tell you, there are times I wanted to call "those Baby borrowers" (did you see that on TV)..coz my baby is so easy to sit...I cannot even take these words out of my mouth, that.."sometimes I need a "short" break from Biko."...but I am not even strong enough to do it..
7) this is for Biko...baby I love you too much and I'll breast feed you for as long as you want..but I gatta get back into my "girl shape". the athlete in me is hankering to come back. Tis been almost a year since I engaged in what I call real exercise, i.e., weight lifting, running, aerobics, spin. et al. Granted I ran the marathon in December last year when I was pregnant and I walked the entire pregnancy and exercised -kegels, stretches, mental relaxation, eeeh eeh! but I miss my running..and I need to get me a jogging stroller. Plus I need to find you a father..we need to get out more often and I need to get my shape back so we can "paint the town".
8) To write more and think more and reflect more and speak less and express less, when unnecessary. I will try and avoid any negative forces entering my head and try to avoid negativity around me. I'll keep positive for others and for me.
10) (did you notice I skipped (9)? Well, I'll come back to it if I think of it..But I need to say this. To leave Atlanta, goodness! and return to "The City" or really what I want, to leave the country. Go work outside this country and do real stuff.. To start a new life. I want to save save save..not just the rainforest, the world, the Sudanese, the Congolese, the Northern Ugandans, the PanAfrican movement, the dying African intellectuals but first myself and my finances. I need to save that so much for the future of us, me and my son.
As I finish, it's twenty-seven minutes to the New Year
So, happy New Year 2009!!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
LIVING HOME A SOMEBODY AND RETURNING AS A NOBODY
Usually when migrants return home or to their country of origin, they are received with a lot of airs. They come as the "big man" or "big woman", richer, more visible, respected, sought-after and plenty of resources to spread around. Peace Corp volunteers or western workers in Africa, Asia, Middle East or Eastern Europe are seen as more resourceful than before they left, because they bring with them a larger view of the world. This is true of migrants to any part of the world but mostly Africans who return from the west, i.e., Europe and N. America. In fact many of these African who left their countries of origin as a nobody return with a fell of greatness and expect to be treated as VIPs. You see this a lot during the December holiday when many return "blinging" (flashing around fancy clothes, gold chains, shoes, baseball hats). Their accents have changed, their walk has changed, they dress differently, they are culturally alien to their country of origin and they are flashing around money in various places.
But this was not the situation for me when I returned to leave in Uganda at the end of 2007. No wonder, I made a round-about and returned to the United States. I am one of those called failed returnees. Most of this was because I left Uganda as "a somebody" unlike many other people I know but become a nobody when I returned. I was very insignificant and lost in my own country. Granted I still had friends and some people felt enjoyed fraternizing with me, as their "American" or "New York friend". On my part, I felt a nobody.
You see, before I left Uganda, I was a somebody, and perhaps that explains a lot why I was able to live. I was not one of those people with families abroad. In fact growing up, we didn't have a lot of people in our family (this is the extended family) living or who'd lived abroad. I only know of my paternal uncle who taught in Manchester, UK and Nairobi, Kenya and another one who went to school in Cambridge, UK and (MIT) Cambridge, USA. Then my mother's elder brother worked with the Uganda Sports Council and used to escort the national teams to international games. That's all I knew. Then I had several cousins who were actresses with "Bakayimbira Dramactors" and used to take international trips to perform abroad but would return. The first time a family member ever migrated to live abroad was in 1990 when my elder sister left with her husband to live in Canada. Her husband was going for graduate studies in Montréal, so he took his wife with him. We all went to the airport to see them off. My sister used to send us pictures so that we could get a glimpse on what it looks like living in North America. The snow, the big people, the weird looking food and the wide streets. They were all alien to me. Then my older brother started going abroad to play international football (real football) in South Africa, Cote d'Ivoire, Yemen, Libya, Vietnam, several countries that I cannot keep track of.
My turn came in April 1999 when I received a travel fellowship to attend the prestigious "Salzburg Seminar" in Salzburg, Austria for a week. Now this was not the United States, UK or Canada where most Africans flock to. It was Salzburg Austria, home to Mozart as I would later find out. Let me back track that I had been to Kenya and Tanzania before, first as a baby visiting my uncle's family and then as a university student on an East African tour. So, I had seen places outside my own confines of Uganda and had that 'exotic' experience. But I had never been outside Africa. So, when Salzburg Seminar invited me, I took the offer up with no hesitation. Thanks to my mentor and one of my best friends who gave me the application forms. I enjoyed Salzburg and the new experience. I didn't know about the dramatic change in seasons but I arrived in Salzburg during spring time in only a T-shirt! Oh! too much for this witty girl. One day I went into a night class and met only one black person, who was a Ghanaian immigrant. He told me, "don't go back, stay here." I told him, "are you crazy? Of course I am going back home!!" I had never thought of, never wanted to stay outside my home country. I wanted to simply travel back and forth but not to stay.
In the same year in June, I received another invitation to attend summer school in Refugee Studies and Forced Migration at the Centre for Refugee Studies, York University, Toronto, Canada. Now this was my first N. American experience and yes, I hoped on that plane via England. On my way back, I stopped in London and visited my cousin and friends, then returned to Uganda. A month later in July I was off to The Netherlands and Belgium. All this because of my achievements and work projects in Uganda. I was a human rights activist, started advocacy projects and was working at the national level on lobbying and advocacy coalitions. I was known in the human rights activists circles around Uganda and at the university. You'd see me in the papers commenting on human rights issues or giving prison inmates legal aid to sue the government. I was a young energetic and creative person. Granted I was not earning a lot but I was enjoying my work and meeting plenty of people.
The one day, I just wanted to leave the country and go abroad for further studies. I had applied to South African universities to study Information and Library Science including the University of Cape Town. I got in but did not have the financial resources to fund my education. I was also admitted to universities in the UK for library science, then International Human Rights Law course. But again, it was the money which kept me away. I decided that it would be better if I got a job abroad and paid for my education. Since I wanted to study in South Africa, I targeted jobs in South Africa. In 2000, I received an offer to work with the Lawyers of Human Rights Refugee Rights Project in Pretoria, South Africa. I packed all my bags and left Uganda. I didn't know when I would be back but I planned that I would return. I was not ready to live abroad for ever, no I love my country!!
So, in 2000 I left Uganda and then ended up in the United States thereafter. Eight years later, I am still in this country. Around 2005, I told a friend of mine that I was planning to return to Uganda for good. He's from Croatia (really, former Yugoslavia since he left before the break up), he been living in the United States for more ten years when he came for graduate school and continued on to PhD in Chemistry. He now works for a drug research/manufacturing company in Boston. He told me that, after the 6th year of living abroad, one is almost destined to stay for-ever abroad. Well, I did not want that prophesy to come true to me, plus I had always planned to return home. I felt unsatisfied and in fact felt my career had suffered since I came to the United States. Granted I had a wider understanding of the world, of the United States and of myself. I became black, became an African and in fact became Uganda --as identities I took on with pride and understanding. I sharpened my writing and publishing skills much more and my international contacts. But financially and professionally, I was so retarded --and more so, Socially. I missed home, the familiarity, the warmth and the family. Now that I had the graduate degree I came for, I was happy to put in the rug and leave.
All efforts to get an international career after grad school did not work out, so I ended up in New York City, but with a promise that I shall go back home soon thereafter. In the summer of 2007, my first opportunity to return to Uganda came and I would spend one month in Uganda. Oh! it was a wonderful and refreshing experience. I received a warm reception from all friends and family, although my mother did not want me to stay for-ever. All my friends were doing excellent. People I'd gone to school with. Everyone had a great job, great car, house, children and family. People were in proper professions and others had quit their jobs and settled for self-employment or stay-at-home mothers. Of all people I went to school with, I didn't meet anyone longing to pack their bags and move to the west. In fact they were doing so much better than myself. Here I am, been off to the "richest nation on earth" but with very little to show for it. I didn't have a family, didn't have a car (granted who needs a car in NYC), still unmarried and heavy load of student loans. The only contribution I was making to the human race was to pay tuition for my nieces in Uganda. So, I came back energized to pursue my dream of returning to Uganda.
In November 2007 I quit my job and packed all my bags destined for Uganda. I bought a one-way ticket and shipped all my property. In November 2007, I boarded that plane and off I was, to bliss. Before I arrived I made contacts with potential employers and set up some interviews. But the field was so wide it was so difficult to cast the net so wide. I got back to start the road and started off with Makerere University, which is my hiding place. I worked here so, it was not going to be too hard. However, there was no readily available employment except if I wanted to develop funding proposals. I was now relying on my savings, my contacts and my family. I had several promises of employment but none materialized. I bought the newspaper every monday for jobs and applied but no reply came. I tried walking into many of the international offices in Kampala but the security guards could not let me in unless I had an appointment. I tried to set up appointments via email but didn't always get a response. Airtime for cellphones, which is the predominant communication line is very expensive. Now the frustrations were growing.
Even my previously "closest friends" were not always available. It was difficult getting a foot in the door by saying you know somebody there, because that was considered nepotism. But that's how you get jobs in America!! It just felt like nobody knew me anymore. A lot was happening around Kampala and sometimes I would attend those public meetings but everybody knew each other except me. It was difficult getting lost in the "big people" and becoming insignificant in my own country. I wanted to find a public park and sit or a cafe and hang out without having to pay a lot for it..These spots were few and quite pricy for Uganda standards. It also seemed that you could not sit for ever, plus I had to go through the city to get there and through the main bus park and all the hustle and bustle or a disorganized city like Kampala. I could not fit anywhere. My resources were diminishing each day. Remember,I had to contribute at home and many times just be the provider. I still had to pay those school fees and my loans back in the US.
I became desperate and desperate by the day. I spent most times by myself because my previous friends were not too available. They had family and new friends to hang out with. Plus the job culture had changed, you could no longer walk into one's office and strike up a conversation. you need an appointment except one worked with the government. Even then, you had to call first. I found entertainment in things not very popular with all Uganda. No, I didn't go to movies or the goat race (I would have love to tho but I wasn't in the "who is who). I just missed out on a lot because nobody saw me. and nobody knew me enough to invite me happenings. A few did but once in a while and mostly to drinking fetes. I didn't want to drink too much. Oh! I was also expecting so, there was no alcohol for me..my mothers was starting to pester me about returning to the US. She did not want me in Uganda, she wanted me to go back because she didn't approve of my coming back in the first place. I wanted to work with her but she would not let me do so. I was a nobody in Uganda, frustrated, missing proper roads, familiar places in NYC, cheap telephone services, amidst happy Ugandans.
2008, I decided to get another one way ticket and get on that plane back to where I came from. I am now in the United States and a family person. I guess I am now settled for life in this not so happy place or I will try and return more smarter next time, with heavy pockets or a stable profession this time. For now, I am a nobody in my home country and confused which is now my home country?
But this was not the situation for me when I returned to leave in Uganda at the end of 2007. No wonder, I made a round-about and returned to the United States. I am one of those called failed returnees. Most of this was because I left Uganda as "a somebody" unlike many other people I know but become a nobody when I returned. I was very insignificant and lost in my own country. Granted I still had friends and some people felt enjoyed fraternizing with me, as their "American" or "New York friend". On my part, I felt a nobody.
You see, before I left Uganda, I was a somebody, and perhaps that explains a lot why I was able to live. I was not one of those people with families abroad. In fact growing up, we didn't have a lot of people in our family (this is the extended family) living or who'd lived abroad. I only know of my paternal uncle who taught in Manchester, UK and Nairobi, Kenya and another one who went to school in Cambridge, UK and (MIT) Cambridge, USA. Then my mother's elder brother worked with the Uganda Sports Council and used to escort the national teams to international games. That's all I knew. Then I had several cousins who were actresses with "Bakayimbira Dramactors" and used to take international trips to perform abroad but would return. The first time a family member ever migrated to live abroad was in 1990 when my elder sister left with her husband to live in Canada. Her husband was going for graduate studies in Montréal, so he took his wife with him. We all went to the airport to see them off. My sister used to send us pictures so that we could get a glimpse on what it looks like living in North America. The snow, the big people, the weird looking food and the wide streets. They were all alien to me. Then my older brother started going abroad to play international football (real football) in South Africa, Cote d'Ivoire, Yemen, Libya, Vietnam, several countries that I cannot keep track of.
My turn came in April 1999 when I received a travel fellowship to attend the prestigious "Salzburg Seminar" in Salzburg, Austria for a week. Now this was not the United States, UK or Canada where most Africans flock to. It was Salzburg Austria, home to Mozart as I would later find out. Let me back track that I had been to Kenya and Tanzania before, first as a baby visiting my uncle's family and then as a university student on an East African tour. So, I had seen places outside my own confines of Uganda and had that 'exotic' experience. But I had never been outside Africa. So, when Salzburg Seminar invited me, I took the offer up with no hesitation. Thanks to my mentor and one of my best friends who gave me the application forms. I enjoyed Salzburg and the new experience. I didn't know about the dramatic change in seasons but I arrived in Salzburg during spring time in only a T-shirt! Oh! too much for this witty girl. One day I went into a night class and met only one black person, who was a Ghanaian immigrant. He told me, "don't go back, stay here." I told him, "are you crazy? Of course I am going back home!!" I had never thought of, never wanted to stay outside my home country. I wanted to simply travel back and forth but not to stay.
In the same year in June, I received another invitation to attend summer school in Refugee Studies and Forced Migration at the Centre for Refugee Studies, York University, Toronto, Canada. Now this was my first N. American experience and yes, I hoped on that plane via England. On my way back, I stopped in London and visited my cousin and friends, then returned to Uganda. A month later in July I was off to The Netherlands and Belgium. All this because of my achievements and work projects in Uganda. I was a human rights activist, started advocacy projects and was working at the national level on lobbying and advocacy coalitions. I was known in the human rights activists circles around Uganda and at the university. You'd see me in the papers commenting on human rights issues or giving prison inmates legal aid to sue the government. I was a young energetic and creative person. Granted I was not earning a lot but I was enjoying my work and meeting plenty of people.
The one day, I just wanted to leave the country and go abroad for further studies. I had applied to South African universities to study Information and Library Science including the University of Cape Town. I got in but did not have the financial resources to fund my education. I was also admitted to universities in the UK for library science, then International Human Rights Law course. But again, it was the money which kept me away. I decided that it would be better if I got a job abroad and paid for my education. Since I wanted to study in South Africa, I targeted jobs in South Africa. In 2000, I received an offer to work with the Lawyers of Human Rights Refugee Rights Project in Pretoria, South Africa. I packed all my bags and left Uganda. I didn't know when I would be back but I planned that I would return. I was not ready to live abroad for ever, no I love my country!!
So, in 2000 I left Uganda and then ended up in the United States thereafter. Eight years later, I am still in this country. Around 2005, I told a friend of mine that I was planning to return to Uganda for good. He's from Croatia (really, former Yugoslavia since he left before the break up), he been living in the United States for more ten years when he came for graduate school and continued on to PhD in Chemistry. He now works for a drug research/manufacturing company in Boston. He told me that, after the 6th year of living abroad, one is almost destined to stay for-ever abroad. Well, I did not want that prophesy to come true to me, plus I had always planned to return home. I felt unsatisfied and in fact felt my career had suffered since I came to the United States. Granted I had a wider understanding of the world, of the United States and of myself. I became black, became an African and in fact became Uganda --as identities I took on with pride and understanding. I sharpened my writing and publishing skills much more and my international contacts. But financially and professionally, I was so retarded --and more so, Socially. I missed home, the familiarity, the warmth and the family. Now that I had the graduate degree I came for, I was happy to put in the rug and leave.
All efforts to get an international career after grad school did not work out, so I ended up in New York City, but with a promise that I shall go back home soon thereafter. In the summer of 2007, my first opportunity to return to Uganda came and I would spend one month in Uganda. Oh! it was a wonderful and refreshing experience. I received a warm reception from all friends and family, although my mother did not want me to stay for-ever. All my friends were doing excellent. People I'd gone to school with. Everyone had a great job, great car, house, children and family. People were in proper professions and others had quit their jobs and settled for self-employment or stay-at-home mothers. Of all people I went to school with, I didn't meet anyone longing to pack their bags and move to the west. In fact they were doing so much better than myself. Here I am, been off to the "richest nation on earth" but with very little to show for it. I didn't have a family, didn't have a car (granted who needs a car in NYC), still unmarried and heavy load of student loans. The only contribution I was making to the human race was to pay tuition for my nieces in Uganda. So, I came back energized to pursue my dream of returning to Uganda.
In November 2007 I quit my job and packed all my bags destined for Uganda. I bought a one-way ticket and shipped all my property. In November 2007, I boarded that plane and off I was, to bliss. Before I arrived I made contacts with potential employers and set up some interviews. But the field was so wide it was so difficult to cast the net so wide. I got back to start the road and started off with Makerere University, which is my hiding place. I worked here so, it was not going to be too hard. However, there was no readily available employment except if I wanted to develop funding proposals. I was now relying on my savings, my contacts and my family. I had several promises of employment but none materialized. I bought the newspaper every monday for jobs and applied but no reply came. I tried walking into many of the international offices in Kampala but the security guards could not let me in unless I had an appointment. I tried to set up appointments via email but didn't always get a response. Airtime for cellphones, which is the predominant communication line is very expensive. Now the frustrations were growing.
Even my previously "closest friends" were not always available. It was difficult getting a foot in the door by saying you know somebody there, because that was considered nepotism. But that's how you get jobs in America!! It just felt like nobody knew me anymore. A lot was happening around Kampala and sometimes I would attend those public meetings but everybody knew each other except me. It was difficult getting lost in the "big people" and becoming insignificant in my own country. I wanted to find a public park and sit or a cafe and hang out without having to pay a lot for it..These spots were few and quite pricy for Uganda standards. It also seemed that you could not sit for ever, plus I had to go through the city to get there and through the main bus park and all the hustle and bustle or a disorganized city like Kampala. I could not fit anywhere. My resources were diminishing each day. Remember,I had to contribute at home and many times just be the provider. I still had to pay those school fees and my loans back in the US.
I became desperate and desperate by the day. I spent most times by myself because my previous friends were not too available. They had family and new friends to hang out with. Plus the job culture had changed, you could no longer walk into one's office and strike up a conversation. you need an appointment except one worked with the government. Even then, you had to call first. I found entertainment in things not very popular with all Uganda. No, I didn't go to movies or the goat race (I would have love to tho but I wasn't in the "who is who). I just missed out on a lot because nobody saw me. and nobody knew me enough to invite me happenings. A few did but once in a while and mostly to drinking fetes. I didn't want to drink too much. Oh! I was also expecting so, there was no alcohol for me..my mothers was starting to pester me about returning to the US. She did not want me in Uganda, she wanted me to go back because she didn't approve of my coming back in the first place. I wanted to work with her but she would not let me do so. I was a nobody in Uganda, frustrated, missing proper roads, familiar places in NYC, cheap telephone services, amidst happy Ugandans.
2008, I decided to get another one way ticket and get on that plane back to where I came from. I am now in the United States and a family person. I guess I am now settled for life in this not so happy place or I will try and return more smarter next time, with heavy pockets or a stable profession this time. For now, I am a nobody in my home country and confused which is now my home country?
Monday, December 15, 2008
I have Found the Most Difficult Job
I have done several jobs, counted cutlery in university kitchens, collected gate fare at the Trade Fairs, ushered at conferences, hosted VIPs, served food and hosted at restaurants, sold clothes and cosmetics in retail stores, taught English as a second language, translated and interpreted in courts...you name it. I have done a lot...not forgetting my professional life in human rights, refugee protection and citizenship...eeh!! It's too much..It's all been challenging, exciting, annoying and rewarding, educative, humbling..tiring...but never had I found a job as hard as my current one.
The job of being a full-time mother is tough!! It is the toughest job I have ever done, and nothing beats this job. I have never had to give my full-time attention to one thing/body like I am doing right now. I have to give full-time to this, and I cannot opt out. This is not a job where you can chose to quit or take a vacation. No, I have to do it, I have nowhere to run and I cannot run. I have to be there every minute, every hour and every second. I have to entertain him, put him to sleep, feed him, bathe him, play or simply relax with him.
Don't get me wrong, I love my baby so very much...I love him. He makes me happy and he gives me so much joy. He is very smart, very expressive and very happy. I am thankful that he is healthy, that he enjoys my company, he laughs when I make faces at him. When he wakes up, his first action is to look towards the bathroom to see if I am there. If not, he makes this special noise (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrjhhhh) to attract my attention. If that does not work, he relaxes and thereafter he might start making louder noise. Oh! he's so funny.
He knows where to find what he wants, especially the breast...oh! he loves the breast. He also knows his schedule. When it's time to take a bath, that's all should be, and when it's time to sleep, nothing else comes his way. So, I get all the signals. He's a joyous boy, and he has taught me a lot. Even when he fell sick recently, he still smiled through it. No wonder he recovered well. At this stage, he's trying to sit by himself. In fact he's done most of that now..but not yet fully upright. I recently got him this laundry basket where he can sit. He already knows how to hold the phone and call his Jjaja (grandma in Uganda). He plays with his binkie, his play center and with the "Winnie The Pooh Family".
But even good things have their pains. Sometimes I feel like somebody could take him away from me for a day...or even a night..but of course I can't stand it. I just want sometime to myself at home where I can just stretch and relax. I want a whole day, when I can give him to somebody I can trust. I have taken him to daycare twice and that went ok. He cried but got over it. I found him sleeping in a swing. But I don't want him to sleep the whole day or sit redundantly, I want him to play. So, I want a daycare where he can play.I also want a daycare where he can be trained to sit. That is why I miss my mother so much!! because if she were here. I would just leave Biko with her and get out of here. Oh! how would that be! My mother is the utmost I trust. She will handle him so well. For now, I'll just settle for wishing. I can't wait to get back to Uganda so my family can see my baby.
I don't know how it's going to be when he goes off to College? Whether I'd allow him to leave me? or if I might just as well decide to move to where he goes! Oh! but that's still a distance. For now, let me worry about enjoying him without getting overwhelmed. Let me enjoy this so tough job..As I told my mother, men who father children with women need to give them as much respect and gratitude because this is a very serious job. Or if as someone I know told me, if men were to give birth, they would give greater value to this work and become more humane.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
CHANGE CAME, YES WE CAN
It's been a while..times have changed..and history has been made...A black man as President of the most coveted post in the United States. The whole world went into a frenzy. Wild everywhere, the Africans, marginalized peoples and anyone who identifies with a color not called white--the world over sighed so loud...Oh! finally we can put Bush out of our worries. Yes, white people celebrated too..because many voted for him, and others awaited him, particularly in Europe. It's an exciting time. People cried, they shed tears.
I can't believe I did not cry that night of the elections. My whole heart was for Obama, in fact sooner than so many people. Since he announced his candidacy, I threw my weight behind him even when some people were so believing in Hillary Clinton. I must confess that I've never been a fan of the Clintons. They screwed up Africa (and the world over) during Bill Clinton's presidency. Only difference (bet then and G.W. Bush) is they would 'snipper' you with a smile and a pat on the back. They were no different, it's always going to be US Foreign Policy First.
And that's where the honeymoon with Obama ends for me. He might get it right domestic but not internationally. True, he's going to put the US on the global map as a highly respected country. Already the buzz is coming in. US citizens abroad have said that they can now scream on the streets of Cape Town, London, Paris that, "I am an American". This is all because of Obama. He's been called a messiah, the chosen one, the savior, our man, the wassup man..But he's not changing the face of the Middle East for the better. He's a big cheerleader for Israel and has given them his 100% support. He plans to engage Afghanistan militarily even though Afghans want to take it diplomatically. They want to be listened to and not bombed squarely or be given more guns. His campaign had no word about Africa, it is a place that has never really mattered to the U.S. and doesn't rank anywhere as a priority to this son of Africa --a Kenyan. But should we lose sleep over this? If it doesn't' even matter to the Presidents of Africa...many of them
...............
Thursday, December 4th 2008
We are returning way to late to talk about this...don't even know where we stopped about a month ago..Yes, it's exactly a month since Obama was officially voted in...oh! I remember around this time (15:39) I was still up and about and the poling stations were still open..little did we know that magic will happen..
Now since magic happened, I am here seated with my Biko blogging...who's now 4 months...he was 3 months then..oh! i have a flu and he doesn't seem to get it...he wants me to hold him...and for some reason...he wants too much of his way...he just can't settle down...he sits down just a little bit, then plays in his bouncy chair, then plays with his toys and then gets back to seeking my attention...I am getting a swing soon..because i can put him in that..and he'll not give me trouble..
........................
Anyway, back to Obama...he's already started assembling his cabinet..including a post to Hillary Clinton..which is a bummer for me...because i've never been a fan of hers...she's way too arrogant and opportunistic...and masculinist politician for my liking..their true color (she and hubby) came out during her campaign for the presidency against Obama..and she was really harsh to him...she was the unofficial rush limbaugh sometimes..and now she's in charge of a very large office...that's not cools...how can one entrust their rival with a very important job like that...what is she going to change about Bush's foreign policy when she literally believes in supremacy of the power...and Israel is mighty and right? well, I guess she and Obama compliment each other..because Obama as well believes in Israel first, military power in Afghanistan and take out Pakistan...
and while we are at it...we really do hope he can fix the economy...i know he won't fix Israel and Palestine, but I hope Obama fixes the economy...because life is really ugly...and I hope he doesn't continue the provocation of Iran...I hope he can unchain Cuba from the bondage of US ill-used power..and Yes, Russia does not need to descend into war...Georgia is a little poor country that doesn't need to compete with Russia nor armed more...for it's own sake, it needs to get its domestic act together...and for my baby...he needs to grow up and stop crying and give me sometime to just do my own work...I am
I can't believe I did not cry that night of the elections. My whole heart was for Obama, in fact sooner than so many people. Since he announced his candidacy, I threw my weight behind him even when some people were so believing in Hillary Clinton. I must confess that I've never been a fan of the Clintons. They screwed up Africa (and the world over) during Bill Clinton's presidency. Only difference (bet then and G.W. Bush) is they would 'snipper' you with a smile and a pat on the back. They were no different, it's always going to be US Foreign Policy First.
And that's where the honeymoon with Obama ends for me. He might get it right domestic but not internationally. True, he's going to put the US on the global map as a highly respected country. Already the buzz is coming in. US citizens abroad have said that they can now scream on the streets of Cape Town, London, Paris that, "I am an American". This is all because of Obama. He's been called a messiah, the chosen one, the savior, our man, the wassup man..But he's not changing the face of the Middle East for the better. He's a big cheerleader for Israel and has given them his 100% support. He plans to engage Afghanistan militarily even though Afghans want to take it diplomatically. They want to be listened to and not bombed squarely or be given more guns. His campaign had no word about Africa, it is a place that has never really mattered to the U.S. and doesn't rank anywhere as a priority to this son of Africa --a Kenyan. But should we lose sleep over this? If it doesn't' even matter to the Presidents of Africa...many of them
...............
Thursday, December 4th 2008
We are returning way to late to talk about this...don't even know where we stopped about a month ago..Yes, it's exactly a month since Obama was officially voted in...oh! I remember around this time (15:39) I was still up and about and the poling stations were still open..little did we know that magic will happen..
Now since magic happened, I am here seated with my Biko blogging...who's now 4 months...he was 3 months then..oh! i have a flu and he doesn't seem to get it...he wants me to hold him...and for some reason...he wants too much of his way...he just can't settle down...he sits down just a little bit, then plays in his bouncy chair, then plays with his toys and then gets back to seeking my attention...I am getting a swing soon..because i can put him in that..and he'll not give me trouble..
........................
Anyway, back to Obama...he's already started assembling his cabinet..including a post to Hillary Clinton..which is a bummer for me...because i've never been a fan of hers...she's way too arrogant and opportunistic...and masculinist politician for my liking..their true color (she and hubby) came out during her campaign for the presidency against Obama..and she was really harsh to him...she was the unofficial rush limbaugh sometimes..and now she's in charge of a very large office...that's not cools...how can one entrust their rival with a very important job like that...what is she going to change about Bush's foreign policy when she literally believes in supremacy of the power...and Israel is mighty and right? well, I guess she and Obama compliment each other..because Obama as well believes in Israel first, military power in Afghanistan and take out Pakistan...
and while we are at it...we really do hope he can fix the economy...i know he won't fix Israel and Palestine, but I hope Obama fixes the economy...because life is really ugly...and I hope he doesn't continue the provocation of Iran...I hope he can unchain Cuba from the bondage of US ill-used power..and Yes, Russia does not need to descend into war...Georgia is a little poor country that doesn't need to compete with Russia nor armed more...for it's own sake, it needs to get its domestic act together...and for my baby...he needs to grow up and stop crying and give me sometime to just do my own work...I am
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